Crystalline Tears
by Silver IceWind
Summary: Very angsty. What is it like being a stranger to people you call your best friends? Why can't they see past the fake smiles and happiness?


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Crystalline Tears

Disclaimer- First and foremost, I don't own Sailor Moon, never have, and never will. 

Okay, now with that out of my way, here's a warning for all of you: angsty and deals with hurting yourself, ect. I don't know, I may even leave the story just like this… *twitch* Not very informative, but you never know how I'm feeling correct? If you want the story to go on, leave me a review or something ^^; This takes place after Mamoru broke up with Usagi, and it's from her point of view. If I do go on, I know that I'm going to mess with the story line and everything… soo… yeah. Usagi's depressed and going through rough time… and not _only_ because of Mamoru okay? She wouldn't get to the point she is now just over him… (and on the same note, I don't really like him, ho hum… actually, I don't like Chibi-Usa either. ^^; or Rei… *twitch*) 

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I cry, I wail, yet does anyone hear me? Does anyone care enough to look past the fake tears and see me? I mean really see me? A fake smile appears tremulously on my lips yet… why can't people notice the way I tremble? The way my smile shakes, my fingers clench as I try to still their trembling? No… I cannot allow them to see me like this, how weak I am, how weak I am being. 

I step back, away from their happiness, away from their joy and cries of surprise. No matter how much I thrust myself into the crowd, I feel alone, empty. It's like they are there, but I may be a million miles away, unseeing, unknowing. I don't understand how I could feel like this and they could feel like that. I press a hand to my cheek, feeling how cold they were in a room that held so much warmth.

I ran away. Cowardly of me, and that is all I am, a coward. No matter how much I try to deny it, I know the truth. That I am coward, a baby, someone who is helpless and can't take care of themselves. Some may think I have it all, I'm a princess, I fight for what's good, my family is there for me, and I have friends who love me. Lies, farces, how can they even think that? No, in truth, I am weak, and even thinking this way is weak.

I hide in the park. I sit down at a cold bench and huddle, crystalline tears making their way slowly down my face, to only shatter in a hundred pieces as they hit the ground. Why do they think that I am like this only because of Mamoru? That I'm depressed because of him, that I am so dependent on him that I make myself sick? Sick… that's what I am truthfully, a sick, whiny little girl who has no self-respect for herself. 

I look at the moon. So perfect and tranquil, one would never know that there was once was a civilization that rivaled any. So utterly dead. Like how I was feeling. There was just coldness inside me, emptiness that screamed out, but nobody hears it, nobody tries. It rages inside me, how could something so cold be so fierce?

I understand. Why should I bother them with my petty problems? They would berate me, tell me how stupid I was… how true they are. I am stupid, I can hardly pass school, even Chibi-Usa is smarter than I am, more liked then me. Why should I even bother? Why? I don't understand, I don't know what to do. I am swept away in my grief, feeling my coldness, and wishing… wishing…

I wish for someone to save me. But how foolish is that? Someone like me wouldn't be able to get anyone to understand, most would probably tell me that I was imagining things. How true, I was probably going insane and it's all of my fault. I couldn't hold on to Mamoru, I drove him away with my child-like tendencies, the way I embarrassed him, how I embarrassed everyone around me. He was my prince, and I was his princess, yet even that wasn't strong enough to save us.

I stand up. My eyes are pin onto a nearby rose bush, and I feel despair wash over me. Roses, red roses. They remind me of him, the way he would smile when we were alone, and then push me away when others were around us. Did he think that I was to ditzy to notice? That I wouldn't care? I care… I care far too much. I am weak because I care; he tired of me because I acted like a total child.

I pluck a crimson rose. My tears had stopped; crying would get me no where. They would only remind me of my failure, how much a failure that I am. I understand, I know what they are saying is true. Why can't I just accept it? 

I wrap my hand around the thorns. Small scarlet droplets leak out, the pain washing over me. Yet I do not cry, I cannot. It is impossible for me now. Pain, I deserve pain. It was so very simple, I do something like this and pain comes over me, so very simple. I revel in it for a moment, knowing that it was wrong yet not caring. 

I press down harder. More and more of the precious vermilion fluid flows out. Pain dances around me and I cradle my hand gently, yet not letting go, not yet. It's what I am entitled to, what I deserve; it is my future… My parents are so disappointed in me; they don't understand why I cannot get better grades, why I act the way I do. I try so hard to explain without giving anything away, but… it's never enough.

I let the rose fall. The scouts… they think I am hopeless, and they are right. I am not what they picture of a princess and I never will be. I try, but it is so hard, so very hard. Energy leaves me so quickly when I do my attacks, it's even worse if my attack misses or fails. A sense of helplessness rises up within me, and I could just scream and shout and rage at the unfairness of it all. But… life isn't fair and they are handling it better then me, why can't I be like them?

I watch the rose hit the ground, blood staining its thorns. My hand bleeds freely now, and I close my eyes, my senses tingling with the pain. It was a release, that was all, I doubt I'd do it again… right? I feel worse than before, yet no silver tracks run down my face again, a sense of belonging in pain surrounds me. 

I wonder, why can't I cry my crystalline tears?


End file.
